Tied Wings

I`m tied. When will I be free again? heartbreaker-drawing-girl-crushing-heart-38963492

Coming home from an exchange year has brought many challenges. I was used to live on my own, nobody wanting to know where I was every second of the day. Nobody caring if I did all my homework. I had to do everything myself. I made lots of mistakes, but I learned from them. In reality if I could go back I would be on the first plane out of here.

I`ve been home for  2,5 months. Yesterday I actually left the house because I didn’t feel I could be there anymore. I needed to cool down. I didn’t get home before 11, fully knowing that I had a report due the next day. Well lets just say I was still awake at 2 AM.

Im 18 years old. My Mum still decides where I`m allowed to go. She knows where I am and what I`m doing anytime of the day. Not only does she know what I´m doing , but she has opinions about it. Actually she has opinions about everything, and if I do something she’s not happy about, you’ll be sure I won`t hear the end of it. The most interesting parts of my life, according to her, is how my room looks, when I go to work, if I’m doing my homework, and of course that I do exactly as she says.

I can’t have a normal conversation with her anymore, it always ends in a fight. My home feels smaller, not so cozy anymore, a lot more like a prison. My homework doesn’t just feel like a task my teacher gave me, but also a form of duty to my mother. Studying looses it`s meaning, am I doing it because I want a good grade or just out of fair of how much nagging i will hear the next day if i didn’t to it.

My home has become a minefield of judgment. Not one room Is safe, I`m not capable of walking a single path to the kitchen without something blowing up. I just hide, keep my head down. Not saying anything when we`re sitting around the dinner table keeps a lot of it away. Basically not saying anything is my new motto. I`m following rules that interfere with my way of living. I don’t know what to do. When will they listen?

When will I be free again?

I can’t wait much longer.

I NEED MY WINGS BACK, please

Yours sincerely, Birdy

Oh, my family

The first of many posts to come about my family. Just to make to clear from the start, I love my family more than anything, and although 90% of the time they drive me utterly crazy, I would do anything for them.

Now a quick introduction. My close family consists of 5 people, there`s my dad, my mum, my oldest brother (25 years old), my youngest brother (23 years old) and then me (18).

If you imagine a family where everybody gets along, living in a perfect house, that`s not us. We`re not completely dysfunctional either, although I would definitely say we`re in the same ballpark. I have lots of issues with my family but the one who really stand out today is about my brothers.

See this day started out as a pretty good day. I woke up late because I had a free period at the start of the day. I even woke up fairly easy, compared to other days when I have to drag myself out the bed, and for the next half hour to 45 minutes the only thing I would think of is to somehow manage to get back to my lovely bed. The warm comfort of having your covers around you, and the delusional feeling that everything is going to be okay. In that worm cozy place nothing can hurt me. As we all know tho, life is not like that, and school will quickly drag you back to reality. It`s like a little kid playing football for fun only to be taken to the side of the court and yelled at by the coach. Awaken by the mean voice telling you that you suck, you will never be good at this, Its better just to give up so you don`t waist other peoples time. What I hope you got from this was that my day turned from very nice to very sucky. Back to my family, well my brothers have always been some one to look up to, people always think it`s so nice to be the youngest, but in reality its just a lot to live up to. The youngest is always looked at as a child, no matter what they do or how old they actually are. Conversations were always lined up for the older people, so it was difficult to get a say in, and god forbid I actually had an opinion, well then that opinion would be tested to the limit. My thoughts, my meanings, my way of dressing, all would be dragged thru a microscope of people 7 years older than me. Problems that seem big to a young girl would not be seen as a big problem for the people older and wiser. If this wasn’t enough, I wasn’t fortunate enough to get the good genes, my brothers are both intelligent and good at physical activity. My grades are not bad, but they aren’t good either, and where physical activity is involved, well I am just horrible. I’ve written way to much already so I should probably get to the point. My whole family likes to tell me exactly what to do, I could give you 5 examples just for today, and although I know I’m not perfect, some times I just wish my family would listen a little more, really listen to what I’m saying. Instead of constantly telling me what to do and how to do it, it would be nice with some silent support. I`m getting tired of always having to answer to them, and having to take the humiliation of being judged every time I fail or don’t listen to them. I end up screaming at them just to try and be heard, so they can realise that what i have to say is important too. I don’t know what to do when they just ask me to turn it down.

I don`t know if this is ever going to stop. I have a strong feeling that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Being judged by my family is not a good feeling, but in my opinion its a hell of a lot better than not having my family around. My family are a pain, but they`re wort all of it.

I know this is a bit messy, but if you relate to any of it I would love to hear about it. It would be nice to hear how you deal with stuff like this, and/or if any of you actually have a problem like this. If you do have a problem like this, good luck, you’re going to need it.