No Netflix

I`m making it official.

I will not watch Netflix or Youtube for 3 weeks.

Starting the 23. October to the 12. November, or longer if I can make it.

I realised I spend so much time on these things. Yeah, I kinda knew all the time, but I feel that if they weren’t a part of my life anymore I would get way more done. I also believe I’m using Netflix and the internet in general to hide from my life. This is my way of trying to deal with my emotions and relationships. Anyways the rules of this is NO Netflix at all, and no youtube unless it`s school related. Now this is going to be hard for me so I’m giving myself a little treat. I`m still allowed to watch the new Gray`s anatomy episodes that come out, and I get to watch the rest of The bachelorette Australia season. I also want to keep the TV watching to a minimum. Netflix and Youtube is such a big part of my life so how I´ll deal without them, I don`t know. Well if you think I’m being crazy or that I’m never going to do this please like this or leave a comment telling me what you mean.

Love V

Take back

I`m sitting here trying to factorise third-degree polynomials, and all I can focus on, is this all so clear memory. That takes me to a place so in the past I’m afraid I`ll never see it again. I might never feel the sand beneath my feet. Parting ways when my foot lands on it, so that I sink an inch or two. Never hear the waves building strength from the horizon, for so to rise up, just a few meters away form me. Slowly at first, and quiet, but then reaching its peak. The wave stops, just for a second, rising above, before starting it`s massive roar towards the beach. Towards me. Then finally reaching me, with it`s  rush of white foam flowing over my feet. I might never be at this place again, nevertheless I will forever remember how it felt. That day, that time, I was completely and utterly happy. It might only have been for a moment, but every instant, every struggle leading up to that moment was worth it. Because happiness is that strong.

Love V

99 Problems

Be aware rant is coming

Firstly: “So, what are you going to do after this year?” 

Not one, not two, but three times TODAY I got asked the question about what I`m going to do with the rest of my life. I get it, my life is fascinating. People want to give the appearance of carrying. I`m sick of it. This question makes me want to just sit down on the ground and CRY. Because I honestly have no fucking idea of what I want. I can’t even choose what I want to eat for breakfast, nevertheless decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Okay, I know that I can choose something and then later switch, but I can’t even choose what i want to do for a year. All of this terrifies me, but this question also bring along some other thoughts, like if I’m actually going to pass or how long I have to live at home. TERRIFYING I tell you. Cant people ask what I’m currently watching on Netflix instead?

Secondly: MY FAMILY

Now this is a fun one. My family is lovely. They have driven me to school every day these last weeks because the trains are on strike ( this is another problem in itself). So what might be the problem? Well, they have opinions on EVERYTHING. I can´t do one single thing without them judging me. I get compared to everyone else, and because I’m me, well I’m not the winner of that comparison. I just want to get out of this house, but I can’t because money is a thing. I love my family, but the best days I`ve had in Norway this year was when I was home alone.

Thirdly: School

School is the biggest bully in my life. It makes me think I’m not worth more than a number. So I have to go thru all these tests. The tests are different from every class, and every teacher marks them differently, but that number is now going to determine the rest of my life. I actually got really depressed because I got some bad grades. I got depressed because of one stupid number. How messed up is that. I believe that half my live is wasted on hating school.

Lastly: ME 

The absolute worst. I`ve already told you whats wrong wit everyone else. Its my turn to get some critique. I am hot headed. I can blow up on my family for no apparent reason, and this does not help our relationship. I can’t seem to do my work. I`m horrible at doing homework or any type of schoolwork. My social skills are shameful. Really I don`t understand why I have any friends at all. I do so much stupid shit everyday that I don`t understand. Like pushing a perfectly decent guy out of my life, or not work on the things I see as important.

To conclude, I have many flaws, and absolutely no idea what my future holds. However I really hope I move out quickly. I realise that I`m to blame for a lot of my problems, but school can go shot itself. Have you ever thought about dropping school? I have, a lot. I do think I’m going to try and stick with it for a little longer. I have so much else to say but this is it for now. Give me a like if you got to the end, because that`s really impressive.

Love V

I have no friends

How depressing is this? My mom and brother went to our cabin yesterday. My dad taking care of his boat. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m home alone for the weekend. Now, a normal teen would be having a party, going out with friends or at least have something to do. My day consisted of nothing, and the strange thing is I didn’t mind. My morning was great, I ate crap food for breakfast and I was consumed with the book “The Elite”. The second series in The Selection series. I recommend it to everyone who loves a little intrigue. Anyway yes I didn’t mind that much, but at the same time it hurts. It hurts that not a single person out there want to spend time with me. It seriously makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

Because I was home alone, I needed to go to the store to get some food. On my way down to the store I saw people outside my old classmates house. I cringed, realising I had no makeup on and was wearing baggy cloths. Not the way you want to look when you see people you know. Walking past them wasn’t an option and so I raised my hand to say hi. The group  were all people from my old school. I knew I wasn’t friends with all of them but there were also faces I knew well. They were heading out and I watched them go off for some gathering of some kind. I wasn’t invited.

They were uncomfortable I was there, because they knew they didn’t want to invite me, and then feeling a little guilty about it, I hope they were feeling guilty. It broke me a little. Not because I really wanted to go to wherever they were headed, but because the feeling was familiar. It wasn’t even the first time this week someone had made me feel that way. In 2 months I`ve probably been out with friend 4  times.

Coming from a person with first hand experience, not having any friends suck. The scary part is the reason it sucks. It sucks because most people have this idea that they get form movies and society that you should be out doing something all the time. That you should have friends, especially when you`re young.

I decided today that I don`t want to spend time with people I don`t like. I`m not going to   spend time with people just because I feel like I should. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to be sad because I don`t have someone I feel close to right now. Its not always easy being alone. I really want friends, everybody does. Unfortunately the only people I consider my friends are on the other side of the world. I`m different and I`m hard to love and I accept that. At least I’m trying to accept it.

Thanks for listening/reeding, it means a lot. The way I feel is indescribable, but if you have experienced the same thing, hold on, it can’t get much worse, right? And if anyone needs a friend I`m a good listener too.

Lots of hugs, V

I like him, I like him not

Oh, It`s a boy

To be honest I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have some type of boy problem. If its not actually about a specific guy, than it`s because I don`t have a guy I even like. I can never go long without some type of boy drama. This should mean that I would be so used to all this drama I would be able to handle it in a good way, but apparently not. I`m blaming the fact that the boy drama I’m used to normally involves me liking a guy who does not reciprocate my feelings. I actually got really hurt by a guy who lead me on, not that long ago, but that`s a story for another time.

Quick background. I meet him first 3 years ago at camp, but didn’t really talk to him after that. I did think he was cool tho, I just didn’t get the vibe that he liked me. Fast forward to 10 days ago, where I meet him at a party. I definitely got thoughts about maybe liking him. We ended up talking for hours and it was really nice. He seemed like a good guy with the same interests I had. Nothing more happened after that, except from one of my friends asking me if I thought he was handsome. That question and what she was insinuating immediately got me to back of, even if i didn’t realise it at the time. I also ended up kissing someone else at the party, but that whole thing just got really awkward.

Max and I started talking on snapchat and face after the party. We’ve talked every day, but I still don`t have strong feelings for him. I`m really unsure if I like him or if I want him as a friend. I`m used to having pretty strong feelings fast, but then again those boys really aren’t working out for me. Another problem is the fact that we`re not in the same school, and so I can’t see him on a regular basis. This also makes it more difficult to arrange something like a date, because I’m a wuss, especially over internet.

My biggest problem is that people are talking. I don`know why, but when someone insinuates something I immediately get the instinct to RUN. Maybe this is because its to early and because I don`t know how I feel yet. However 2 of my fairly good friends have taken it upon them to ask me questions about, if I like him? if anything is going on? and so on. The wort part is that they have information right from the source, because they are good friends of Max, and he has apparently talked about me to them, but that`s all I know about that.

I definitely see the possibility for feelings. I want to talk to him all day, but trying to consider if its worth it for the possibility to be humiliated by the guy and my friends. I need serious help. What should I do?

Is he ever going to get my heart beat, beat, beat?

Just thinking about all the drama ahead gets me scared. I wish you all the best of luck with your current and future boy or girl problems.