Not giving up 

Long time no see. I know it’s been a while by there were some things I needed to figure out by myself. Ever since I came home I’ve hated school, and I still do. However I released that I can’t fight it anymore. Not only is it not helping my grades but it’s hurting me. I stayed up all night trying to work on two assignments at once. I’m absolutely trashed. On top of that I got a bad grade on my presentation. Not really bad but not up to my expectations either. But something happened when the teacher gave me the bad grade. Something that hasn’t happened in a long while. I wanted to work. I wanted to prove I could do it. I can get a good grad in History. I didn’t give up. So that’s wat I’m going to do now. Not give up. I believe it’s better to know you did your best. Trust me I know, because I constantly have to live with all the things I know I could have done better at. 

– Roni 

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No Netflix

I`m making it official.

I will not watch Netflix or Youtube for 3 weeks.

Starting the 23. October to the 12. November, or longer if I can make it.

I realised I spend so much time on these things. Yeah, I kinda knew all the time, but I feel that if they weren’t a part of my life anymore I would get way more done. I also believe I’m using Netflix and the internet in general to hide from my life. This is my way of trying to deal with my emotions and relationships. Anyways the rules of this is NO Netflix at all, and no youtube unless it`s school related. Now this is going to be hard for me so I’m giving myself a little treat. I`m still allowed to watch the new Gray`s anatomy episodes that come out, and I get to watch the rest of The bachelorette Australia season. I also want to keep the TV watching to a minimum. Netflix and Youtube is such a big part of my life so how I´ll deal without them, I don`t know. Well if you think I’m being crazy or that I’m never going to do this please like this or leave a comment telling me what you mean.

Love V

Take back

I`m sitting here trying to factorise third-degree polynomials, and all I can focus on, is this all so clear memory. That takes me to a place so in the past I’m afraid I`ll never see it again. I might never feel the sand beneath my feet. Parting ways when my foot lands on it, so that I sink an inch or two. Never hear the waves building strength from the horizon, for so to rise up, just a few meters away form me. Slowly at first, and quiet, but then reaching its peak. The wave stops, just for a second, rising above, before starting it`s massive roar towards the beach. Towards me. Then finally reaching me, with it`s  rush of white foam flowing over my feet. I might never be at this place again, nevertheless I will forever remember how it felt. That day, that time, I was completely and utterly happy. It might only have been for a moment, but every instant, every struggle leading up to that moment was worth it. Because happiness is that strong.

Love V

99 Problems

Be aware rant is coming

Firstly: “So, what are you going to do after this year?” 

Not one, not two, but three times TODAY I got asked the question about what I`m going to do with the rest of my life. I get it, my life is fascinating. People want to give the appearance of carrying. I`m sick of it. This question makes me want to just sit down on the ground and CRY. Because I honestly have no fucking idea of what I want. I can’t even choose what I want to eat for breakfast, nevertheless decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Okay, I know that I can choose something and then later switch, but I can’t even choose what i want to do for a year. All of this terrifies me, but this question also bring along some other thoughts, like if I’m actually going to pass or how long I have to live at home. TERRIFYING I tell you. Cant people ask what I’m currently watching on Netflix instead?

Secondly: MY FAMILY

Now this is a fun one. My family is lovely. They have driven me to school every day these last weeks because the trains are on strike ( this is another problem in itself). So what might be the problem? Well, they have opinions on EVERYTHING. I can´t do one single thing without them judging me. I get compared to everyone else, and because I’m me, well I’m not the winner of that comparison. I just want to get out of this house, but I can’t because money is a thing. I love my family, but the best days I`ve had in Norway this year was when I was home alone.

Thirdly: School

School is the biggest bully in my life. It makes me think I’m not worth more than a number. So I have to go thru all these tests. The tests are different from every class, and every teacher marks them differently, but that number is now going to determine the rest of my life. I actually got really depressed because I got some bad grades. I got depressed because of one stupid number. How messed up is that. I believe that half my live is wasted on hating school.

Lastly: ME 

The absolute worst. I`ve already told you whats wrong wit everyone else. Its my turn to get some critique. I am hot headed. I can blow up on my family for no apparent reason, and this does not help our relationship. I can’t seem to do my work. I`m horrible at doing homework or any type of schoolwork. My social skills are shameful. Really I don`t understand why I have any friends at all. I do so much stupid shit everyday that I don`t understand. Like pushing a perfectly decent guy out of my life, or not work on the things I see as important.

To conclude, I have many flaws, and absolutely no idea what my future holds. However I really hope I move out quickly. I realise that I`m to blame for a lot of my problems, but school can go shot itself. Have you ever thought about dropping school? I have, a lot. I do think I’m going to try and stick with it for a little longer. I have so much else to say but this is it for now. Give me a like if you got to the end, because that`s really impressive.

Love V

I have no friends

How depressing is this? My mom and brother went to our cabin yesterday. My dad taking care of his boat. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m home alone for the weekend. Now, a normal teen would be having a party, going out with friends or at least have something to do. My day consisted of nothing, and the strange thing is I didn’t mind. My morning was great, I ate crap food for breakfast and I was consumed with the book “The Elite”. The second series in The Selection series. I recommend it to everyone who loves a little intrigue. Anyway yes I didn’t mind that much, but at the same time it hurts. It hurts that not a single person out there want to spend time with me. It seriously makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

Because I was home alone, I needed to go to the store to get some food. On my way down to the store I saw people outside my old classmates house. I cringed, realising I had no makeup on and was wearing baggy cloths. Not the way you want to look when you see people you know. Walking past them wasn’t an option and so I raised my hand to say hi. The group  were all people from my old school. I knew I wasn’t friends with all of them but there were also faces I knew well. They were heading out and I watched them go off for some gathering of some kind. I wasn’t invited.

They were uncomfortable I was there, because they knew they didn’t want to invite me, and then feeling a little guilty about it, I hope they were feeling guilty. It broke me a little. Not because I really wanted to go to wherever they were headed, but because the feeling was familiar. It wasn’t even the first time this week someone had made me feel that way. In 2 months I`ve probably been out with friend 4  times.

Coming from a person with first hand experience, not having any friends suck. The scary part is the reason it sucks. It sucks because most people have this idea that they get form movies and society that you should be out doing something all the time. That you should have friends, especially when you`re young.

I decided today that I don`t want to spend time with people I don`t like. I`m not going to   spend time with people just because I feel like I should. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to be sad because I don`t have someone I feel close to right now. Its not always easy being alone. I really want friends, everybody does. Unfortunately the only people I consider my friends are on the other side of the world. I`m different and I`m hard to love and I accept that. At least I’m trying to accept it.

Thanks for listening/reeding, it means a lot. The way I feel is indescribable, but if you have experienced the same thing, hold on, it can’t get much worse, right? And if anyone needs a friend I`m a good listener too.

Lots of hugs, V

I like him, I like him not

Oh, It`s a boy

To be honest I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have some type of boy problem. If its not actually about a specific guy, than it`s because I don`t have a guy I even like. I can never go long without some type of boy drama. This should mean that I would be so used to all this drama I would be able to handle it in a good way, but apparently not. I`m blaming the fact that the boy drama I’m used to normally involves me liking a guy who does not reciprocate my feelings. I actually got really hurt by a guy who lead me on, not that long ago, but that`s a story for another time.

Quick background. I meet him first 3 years ago at camp, but didn’t really talk to him after that. I did think he was cool tho, I just didn’t get the vibe that he liked me. Fast forward to 10 days ago, where I meet him at a party. I definitely got thoughts about maybe liking him. We ended up talking for hours and it was really nice. He seemed like a good guy with the same interests I had. Nothing more happened after that, except from one of my friends asking me if I thought he was handsome. That question and what she was insinuating immediately got me to back of, even if i didn’t realise it at the time. I also ended up kissing someone else at the party, but that whole thing just got really awkward.

Max and I started talking on snapchat and face after the party. We’ve talked every day, but I still don`t have strong feelings for him. I`m really unsure if I like him or if I want him as a friend. I`m used to having pretty strong feelings fast, but then again those boys really aren’t working out for me. Another problem is the fact that we`re not in the same school, and so I can’t see him on a regular basis. This also makes it more difficult to arrange something like a date, because I’m a wuss, especially over internet.

My biggest problem is that people are talking. I don`know why, but when someone insinuates something I immediately get the instinct to RUN. Maybe this is because its to early and because I don`t know how I feel yet. However 2 of my fairly good friends have taken it upon them to ask me questions about, if I like him? if anything is going on? and so on. The wort part is that they have information right from the source, because they are good friends of Max, and he has apparently talked about me to them, but that`s all I know about that.

I definitely see the possibility for feelings. I want to talk to him all day, but trying to consider if its worth it for the possibility to be humiliated by the guy and my friends. I need serious help. What should I do?

Is he ever going to get my heart beat, beat, beat?

Just thinking about all the drama ahead gets me scared. I wish you all the best of luck with your current and future boy or girl problems.

 

Tied Wings

I`m tied. When will I be free again? heartbreaker-drawing-girl-crushing-heart-38963492

Coming home from an exchange year has brought many challenges. I was used to live on my own, nobody wanting to know where I was every second of the day. Nobody caring if I did all my homework. I had to do everything myself. I made lots of mistakes, but I learned from them. In reality if I could go back I would be on the first plane out of here.

I`ve been home for  2,5 months. Yesterday I actually left the house because I didn’t feel I could be there anymore. I needed to cool down. I didn’t get home before 11, fully knowing that I had a report due the next day. Well lets just say I was still awake at 2 AM.

Im 18 years old. My Mum still decides where I`m allowed to go. She knows where I am and what I`m doing anytime of the day. Not only does she know what I´m doing , but she has opinions about it. Actually she has opinions about everything, and if I do something she’s not happy about, you’ll be sure I won`t hear the end of it. The most interesting parts of my life, according to her, is how my room looks, when I go to work, if I’m doing my homework, and of course that I do exactly as she says.

I can’t have a normal conversation with her anymore, it always ends in a fight. My home feels smaller, not so cozy anymore, a lot more like a prison. My homework doesn’t just feel like a task my teacher gave me, but also a form of duty to my mother. Studying looses it`s meaning, am I doing it because I want a good grade or just out of fair of how much nagging i will hear the next day if i didn’t to it.

My home has become a minefield of judgment. Not one room Is safe, I`m not capable of walking a single path to the kitchen without something blowing up. I just hide, keep my head down. Not saying anything when we`re sitting around the dinner table keeps a lot of it away. Basically not saying anything is my new motto. I`m following rules that interfere with my way of living. I don’t know what to do. When will they listen?

When will I be free again?

I can’t wait much longer.

I NEED MY WINGS BACK, please

Yours sincerely, Birdy

Oh, my family

The first of many posts to come about my family. Just to make to clear from the start, I love my family more than anything, and although 90% of the time they drive me utterly crazy, I would do anything for them.

Now a quick introduction. My close family consists of 5 people, there`s my dad, my mum, my oldest brother (25 years old), my youngest brother (23 years old) and then me (18).

If you imagine a family where everybody gets along, living in a perfect house, that`s not us. We`re not completely dysfunctional either, although I would definitely say we`re in the same ballpark. I have lots of issues with my family but the one who really stand out today is about my brothers.

See this day started out as a pretty good day. I woke up late because I had a free period at the start of the day. I even woke up fairly easy, compared to other days when I have to drag myself out the bed, and for the next half hour to 45 minutes the only thing I would think of is to somehow manage to get back to my lovely bed. The warm comfort of having your covers around you, and the delusional feeling that everything is going to be okay. In that worm cozy place nothing can hurt me. As we all know tho, life is not like that, and school will quickly drag you back to reality. It`s like a little kid playing football for fun only to be taken to the side of the court and yelled at by the coach. Awaken by the mean voice telling you that you suck, you will never be good at this, Its better just to give up so you don`t waist other peoples time. What I hope you got from this was that my day turned from very nice to very sucky. Back to my family, well my brothers have always been some one to look up to, people always think it`s so nice to be the youngest, but in reality its just a lot to live up to. The youngest is always looked at as a child, no matter what they do or how old they actually are. Conversations were always lined up for the older people, so it was difficult to get a say in, and god forbid I actually had an opinion, well then that opinion would be tested to the limit. My thoughts, my meanings, my way of dressing, all would be dragged thru a microscope of people 7 years older than me. Problems that seem big to a young girl would not be seen as a big problem for the people older and wiser. If this wasn’t enough, I wasn’t fortunate enough to get the good genes, my brothers are both intelligent and good at physical activity. My grades are not bad, but they aren’t good either, and where physical activity is involved, well I am just horrible. I’ve written way to much already so I should probably get to the point. My whole family likes to tell me exactly what to do, I could give you 5 examples just for today, and although I know I’m not perfect, some times I just wish my family would listen a little more, really listen to what I’m saying. Instead of constantly telling me what to do and how to do it, it would be nice with some silent support. I`m getting tired of always having to answer to them, and having to take the humiliation of being judged every time I fail or don’t listen to them. I end up screaming at them just to try and be heard, so they can realise that what i have to say is important too. I don’t know what to do when they just ask me to turn it down.

I don`t know if this is ever going to stop. I have a strong feeling that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Being judged by my family is not a good feeling, but in my opinion its a hell of a lot better than not having my family around. My family are a pain, but they`re wort all of it.

I know this is a bit messy, but if you relate to any of it I would love to hear about it. It would be nice to hear how you deal with stuff like this, and/or if any of you actually have a problem like this. If you do have a problem like this, good luck, you’re going to need it.

 

Unpopular

I took the liberty to check out some of the top blogs. Really? Is that what people want to read?

I can see why. The people featured in these blogs are perfect. They have their life all figured out, and they look amazing. Because who doesn’t want to read about faction that you don’t even really want to wear. They wear beautifully ugly pants, jackets and I honestly I do not know what it`s called. Their life is perfect. I have no interest in reading stuff like that. Also all the other people who wright about exercise and healthy eating. Well I have tried both of those things, and lets face it, it`s not as amazing as you make it out to be. I`m not saying people don’t enjoy it, I’m just sick of trying to make everything sound fantastic. Now, to all the travel blogs out there, travel is exiting, enriching and just about the coolest thing I know how to do, but it`s not all rose pedals. It has ups and downs, times when you can’t stop smiling and times when you feel like it just wasn’t worth it. The best part of travel is how alive you can feel, because you`re experiencing everything about it. It might help you on your way to finding yourself or just give you an amazing experience, or it might completely suck.

We humans have this thing about focusing on the bad things in the moment, but then afterwards blocking out the bad parts. I want the good and the bad. I want life.

Stop being fake, and stop believing people who only tell you positive things. They are not real. I`m not going to lie. I`m not going to talk about the good stuff and hide the bad away. If that doesn`t get me on the top list. So what. I`m unpopular.

Yeah, what am I doing?

Now excuse my bad blogging, because this is some tricky shit. I mean sooo many buttons to press, how do you people do this?
Oh, and also english is not my first language so my spelling isn’t going to be the best, if you`re the type of person who gets annoyed at stuff like this, feel free to send me an e-mail, or comment, or whatever on my blog (don’t know how that works, yet), but I’m always up for improving my, everything.

This is the part where I talk about what this blog is about, and why I`m writhing this. Here it comes,

This blog is going to be the place I go to get some perspective. It`s where I’m going to tell everyone (altho I don’t think anyone actually is going to read this) what I think. Here I’m allowed to be honest. What I love, what I hate, what I care about and how my life is treating me at a particular moment in time. That`s what this blog is about.

Give it time, I’m going to get better at this